I’ve been encouraged to write my story but why? Because it testifies to the devastation a mood disorder can have on all relationships.

 

I knew it before it had a name but many years later when I was having an emotional meltdown my primary care physician referred me to a physiatrist, he diagnosed me Bi-Polar. Finally I had a name for what made my life so difficult. He explained bi-polar is a mental illness, typical of a person whose mood swings vary from very low to very high; from depression to manic behavior, each destructive in their own way.

 

I had no idea how this disorder would shape my life each and every day this side of eternity. My story is raw telling of faith, fear, brokenness, survival, depression, dreams, nightmares, sexual abuse and finally triumphs over wickedness. It wouldn’t serve just without those facts.

 

In all, I felt God was doing something I didn't sign up for but I knew he was doing something powerful in my life. In everything I felt overwhelmed by his mercy and through it all I’ve never ever doubted God. That was a miracle!

 

[This is my journal entry during my manic episode.]

How many times will I be crushed?

How many times will I be embarrassed?

How many times will I look foolish to my family and anyone watching?

Something is clearly wrong.

I feel like a fool.

I hate bi-polar.

I think I am an amazing person with wonderful things to say.

The truth is…

I AM MANIC

I talk too much.

I am too aggressive

Please God…

Help me to trust you in this darkness.