Inside Job
Just a few days after coming home from the hospital I hit the ground hard. I was terrified I wouldn’t know how to take care of that little tiny being, my precious baby Serena. Sleep deprivation had its way of doing a number on me. I was beyond tired, day and night. I rocked Serena when I gave her a bottle but I think that motion upset her tummy, after she’d finished her bottle, I burped her. I spent a long time trying to get that satisfying burp but more times than not, she ended up chucking up all the milk she had just taken and I would have to start over.
In the past, any infant’s shrill cry often sent shivers up my spine. Why would I have that grating feeling when my baby needed something? Something a, “real” mother should know. Even growing up, when my sister Sophie was babysitting or enjoying someone’s child, I often heard others say, “She’s going to be such a good mother.” It created a subliminal message that I wouldn’t have what it would take to be a good one.
I had a lot to overcome. I questioned if I was doing the right thing and making the right choices. Am I feeding her too soon, or too late? Is a diaper pin poking her? Is she dressed warm enough? And on and on, the questions sabotaged whatever bit of confidence I may have had.
Dave's birthday is March 25th. That year, Serena was just nine days old, too young to take her to or host a birthday party. Friends and family brought Dave’s gifts and birthday cakes. At that time, I didn't know anything about blood sugar levels. The refrigerated cakes were enticing but fluctuating blood sugar does a lot of damage emotionally, and with the weight concerns I had. I ate the cakes anyway.
This all led to a meltdown. All these factors just mentioned combined just crashed down on me. I realized I needed help and knew the one who could truly help me was God. I called Mom, she came right away, she said she was privileged when I asked her to pray for me. I was grateful for her safety net. She came often and was so sweet to help me get the rest I needed and helped with the household chores.
I was at a crossroads; Jesus was my new best friend. My sister, Elsie, gave me a copy of the Amplified Bible on my 23rd birthday. I memorized Philippians 3:10. “For my determined purpose is that I may know him—that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with him perceiving and recognizing the wonders of his person more strongly and more clearly...” I didn't memorize the last part of the verse because I didn't like what it said, “And that I may, in the same way, come to know the power flowing from his resurrection which it exerts over the believer, and that I may share his sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into his likeness even to his death.” I didn't know how the last verse would be fulfilled in my life. Who would welcome suffering? Who would know often through pain is the way to growth, not me?
While Dave wasn’t a believer, I was enthralled with the comfort and peace God was giving me. I sang or hummed and posted little notes around the house reminding me of the encouraging words from the Bible. This was the stuff of my survival, but Dave saw it as a threat. He told me later, he felt there was another man in my life. I was aware of the tension between us. I mustered up my courage and told him “You didn't sign up for this, if you want to get a divorce, I would understand.” I am so glad he didn’t take me up on it. God had bigger plans than our discomfort.
My parents and sisters were going to a “house church” where my youth group leaders Glen and Barbie Hughes lived. They had babysitting available so I took Serena with me to their Friday night worship service. Every week I asked Dave if he’d go with us and every week he said no. As I drove down our street to Melrose Road, I left deep, heartfelt disappointment. Was there any way possible that he would come to know God? My Pastor told me in premarital counseling that Dave didn't need anything he was content with his life. However, he finally did come once.
God was faithful. I felt deep peace while I waited for Dave to finally say he’d come. I had a solid foundation in my faith and I knew I could trust him, even if I didn’t like His timing. I’ve heard it said, “God is never late, but rarely early.” Indeed this is true.
Then God did an inside job. Just like how bank robbers would find out when the cash was put in the vault and where security was at any precise time. Dave and my dad went deer hunting on the Callahan Mountain range not far from our house. They split up with the idea that one or the other might flush out a deer. It got dark before the two of them met at the agreed spot. Dave was having a hard time finding the road, he found himself in thigh-high ferns and sensed that they were hiding a steep drop-off into something. He was really scared and he prayed “God if you’re real please help me.” He fired two shots hoping that Dad could hear them but Dad being nearly deaf couldn’t hear. When Dave hadn’t yet come back to the place where they agreed to meet, Dad built a fire and waited. He did what came naturally, he prayed. Dad wasn’t close to many men, I’m not sure why but I’m grateful that Dad liked Dave and prayed for him with great tenacity. I know Dad’s prayers touched the heart of God. Right after Dave asked God for help, he took one small sidestep and ended up safely on the road back to camp. When the men finally got back to our house Dave didn’t mention his encounter with God.
Eventually, our house church moved to town and rented a space for our services, later we were able to buy a church building. That had to be a miracle because we were a small group, but it didn’t bother God, he makes a way when we see no way. Our pastor Rob had a plan that was God-inspired. It was to invite young couples, who all had husbands who didn’t know the Lord, to meet over breakfast at, Mom’s Place, a well-known restaurant for comfort food. It was the same place where my co-worker Naomi and I snacked on hash browns and gravy. The meeting at the restaurant was on neutral ground and was non-threatening for the guys.
The Bible study over breakfast was one more step for Dave to see the wisdom from the scriptures and how it applied to our lives as a family. He always thought he’d be a good dad, but he didn’t know how to deal with our toddler. God knew Dave had to come to a place where he needed his help, but Dave still didn’t tell me what was going through his mind. About that time Serena started vaulting out of her crib, she wanted to be in our bed. We put her back thinking she would settle and go back to sleep. It wasn’t that simple, she did it several times every night, she was losing sleep and so were we.
Our church decided to put on a Christmas program, a nativity play that included the little kids with costumes. Serena was almost two and when I asked him if he’d go with us, he said yes. The program was wonderful. The little ones were my favorite part because they were so adorable and it was so sweet to hear them sing. What I didn’t know that night was, Dave prayed the sinner’s prayer “I want you in my life I don’t want to do it alone.”
It was after that night he started going to church and never stopped. One day during service, I heard him say “Hallelujah.” I waited so long, I was afraid to believe, could it be true? Our family life was radically changed and our love as a couple was richer. Being of one mind when it came to God was everything I could ever ask for.
Dave was baptized in the Umpqua River at River Forks Park when our son Doug was only ten days old. How sweet is that?
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