The Boss of Me
One of the stylists in our hair salon, Kathy, had a customer checking in at the reception counter. The lady had some dementia issues and her daughter wanted her to get her hair cut short. Kathy told her customer, your daughter is not the boss, you don’t have to do what she wants. I don’t know if the lady got her haircut short but Kathy encouraged her to stand up for herself and that always is a good thing. Control issues often crop up in any marriage. It can happen when one person tries to force his or her will on the other in hopes the other person will change. Dave and I got caught in that web.
When I would go clothes shopping, I found myself wondering, will Dave like this blouse, outfit, or pants? Or, if it was the right color and so on. I thought he had strong opinions about my choices. I got all worked up because I didn’t want to make a mistake. Clothes cost money, money saved is money earned and my anxiety with finances compounded the issue. I felt it was like a mountain I had to climb but at the same time wondered, where was the top? Finally, I realized that it was a no-win game. I couldn’t guess what he was going to like. I wanted to choose what I liked. When I told him about the clothes game, he said he liked the way I dressed. All my worry was to no avail.
When we remodeled our house, the same problem came up. There were so many big and small decisions to make: what cabinets to buy, what color of carpeting, and a myriad of other choices. I was looking for a simple hook to fit over the door of our bedroom to hang clothes that were ready to iron and when I showed Dave what I bought, he wasn’t so happy with my choice. To me that was ridiculous, so I began to make a plan.
Dave went to a men’s church retreat and would be back home that Saturday night. I had come to a point where I knew something or someone had to change, but it wasn’t me. I was ready to give him an ultimatum when he got home. When he arrived I told him he had a choice of going to counseling together or I would move to Eugene to be close to my sister. Mind you, I hadn’t even made my final plans to move but he didn’t know that. He quickly agreed. I had someone in mind who would do a great job counseling us, Bob our associate pastor at Umpqua Trinity Church, the same man who asked me to become Katie’s friend. The counseling with Bob was helpful. It gave us tools to make our relationship, communication, and trust between us stronger. We were in good hands with Bob and with God. But the issue for me to speak up for myself came up again. Why was I willing to let someone else be the boss of me?
The church membership had grown and it was necessary to build a new and bigger building. Also, a team of elders was appointed to work with our pastor as a support team, as well as be the spiritual leaders. Dave was one of the men chosen. At the same time, the decision was made that the wives of the elders, who I called “elder-etts.” would also have responsibilities to be led by the pastor’s wife. I was ill-prepared didn’t have the power to say no to certain expectations of hers.
Women’s retreats were held each spring and we elder-etts were expected to attend. It didn't seem like we would be excused for any reason. It was especially hard for me on two occasions. The first weekend retreat was on Dave and my twentieth wedding anniversary and I was pressured to go, so I did. The second was on the weekend of Serena’s junior-senior prom, and I went to that retreat too. I was saddened that I buckled under pressure. Dave and Serena and I missed those special days because I didn’t say a one-word sentence. “No.”
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